This is all new to me but i wanted to be able to talk somewhere
otherwise i might find myself going insane.
Am i not already insane talking to myself via the internet?
Who cares? LOL
Well i should at least tell you the reason for me joining up.
I'm 21 years old & in febuary i lost my mum to a sudden death.
I was so close to her & the people who know me will know that.
And i can't explain to you what it feels like to have the most important person in your'e life be taken away from you.
I also can't imagine what my dad must be going through. To lose the love of his life, his wife of 23 years!
I have 3 younger sisters too aged 17, 18 & 20.
When 'it' happened i felt i had a duty to look after everyone & i kind of took everything on the chin,
I did't let my defence down & i wouldn't get upset for risk of upsetting anyone else.
If my little sister seen me break down she would be no how.
She turned to me for comfort & support.
And now her mums gone i'm the next best thing.
I kept myself busy by still gigging i had 1 weekend off & that was only because Paul wouldn't let me gig!
But it turns out i was doing the right thing because dad was no how & he didnt go to work.
So i was now the source of income aswell as the new head of house.
Because thats what mum was she was the head of the house. She kept everything running.
Dad was the one who went out to work earned the money & mum paid all the bills & looked after everyone & everything else.
I think the more i gigged & was busy i wasn't facing reality & thats how i wanted to keep it.
And thats how i have been keeping it up until now.
I can feel myself breaking. Like when i'm on stage & singing a certain song sometimes i get chocked up. I'm trying to stay strong but theres only so much one can take.
I wanted somewhere i could come & talk i can't talk to anyone in this house because it's all still raw.
And everyone thinks im ok so i don't want them to start worrying about me.
I just want somewhere i can talk talk & talk so i don't bottle things up.
So from this day forward may this page help me through the tough times ahead!